Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
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i’m so old i’m almost back in style
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Great game to play with friends
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
everyone’s a critic
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.