Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

analogies are so stupid
“the same boiling water that hardens the egg softens the potato” I’m not an egg or a potato and I don’t know how this applies to me. I’m just trying to get laid

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.

for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”

8: I wrote my list for Santa

Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?

8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?

Me: perfect

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!

It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…

“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”

“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”

“

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad