Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
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Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
#oldknees
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.