someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
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My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Overindulged this afternoon.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar