someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
You Might Also Like
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Found my door mat
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
This is hilarious….
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
when there are deer in the woods
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move