Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.

Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”

Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.

Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.

Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?

Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly

Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆

BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.

ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?

god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”