Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

Mmmm canned fish.

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

*first time seeing a musical

“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids

Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away

That’s motherhood summed up for you

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible

What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!