Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door

I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.

I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?

I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.