Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.

A letter home from Burning Man:

“My Dearest Martha:

I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold

employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?

me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

When you have to marry your mother-in-law

Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest

“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

[working at a candle factory, day four]

ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh

On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.

We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

The morning after pill, but for tweets

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone