SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
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Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Forever 21… pounds overweight
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.