SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
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If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Remember during Covid, if you had family over for Christmas the police would show up and make them go home?
Does anybody know if this service is still available?
Thanks in advance.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.