Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
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I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Just had my nails done!
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.