Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
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Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
ew if literal: let me be clear
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
A French press is when you hug naked
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
9 circles of hell in this economy?
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.