Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
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Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.