Someone is coming to fix the boiler (again) so my Friday night is about to get very hot and steamy (because I’ll be able to have a bath, not because I’m planning sexy shenanigans with the plumber)
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The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Today I had a chocolate frosted doughnut without sprinkles…….. diets can be tough!!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.