Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ok this is my dumbest yet

OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”

Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷‍♀️

Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.

Amidst all the commercialism, please remember the true meaning of Christmas: whacking your siblings on the head with cardboard wrapping paper tubes

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign

Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love

A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

me: what do you know about atoms?

friend: very little

me: besides that

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it