Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

I dumbed there ONE time and now this.

Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?

ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human

More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?