someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
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DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Doctors and Big Pharma are only in it for the money. My herbal remedies will save the lives of you and your family for only 4 easy payments of $62.95
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage