[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
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Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
What the hell happened here.
