[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
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PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Seals are just dog mermaids.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.