Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

I used to be married, but I’m better now

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here

-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

No one:

London landlords:

2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*

5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.

When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?

they should invent a rest for the wicked

everyone’s a critic

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300