[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
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Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
My biological clock is wheezing.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.