[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
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Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
