Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

oh ffs josh did you not read the email

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me:

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

2-year-old: Dad?

Me: What?

2: Are chickens real?

Me:

2:

Me: No one knows.

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”

*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*

Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”

Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”

millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to

me: i wonder what geese do at night

goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time