Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes

him: I think we should see other people

me: is that on hulu or netflix

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.

-me flirting

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

[office]

ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used

My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.

[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok

[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.