Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻‍♀️😂

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.

Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.

“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.

Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort

Me:

Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.

Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample

[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia