Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot

Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar

My oldest chicken is going through henopause

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human

Captcha:

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds

*At the bar

Me)Is this seat taken?

Woman)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.

The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence