Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

[last day of creative writing class]

“are u ready to name ur band?”

Dave Matthews: u bet i am

DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.

JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.

GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs

Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.

..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.

Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.

My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there

5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you

me: excuse me what

5yo: I can smell more things

7yo: ohh with his nose

5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old

me: wow

Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.

yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

When someone trying to leave me

am i feeling hopeful about the future?

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.