Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.

Now then – what’s an oxymoron?

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken

Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy

Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me

Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!