[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
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I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”