[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
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Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
feetloaf
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.