Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there

me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts

It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

2022: I can fix it

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

Wooden pews are designed to maximize the shame of farting in church.

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.

Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.

Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.