Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”

Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.

Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.

The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising

if my sleeping schedule was a person

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

12: I can’t wait to be an adult.

Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”

*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure