Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
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I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
My good tweets are in my other pants.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.