Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
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I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”