Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
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My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
