Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
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They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?