Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
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Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
checking out some reviews of my local library
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds