someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
You Might Also Like
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Every work call, he judges.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
The sacred texts.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.