Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”

“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky

The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”

Shit.

This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.

jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

“Recalculating. Recalculating.”

– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO

If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.

I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.

Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.

What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa

ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted

ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.

She meant goals

All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.

“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.