Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]

him: is that all you got

me: yeah inflation’s bad

finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

Thanks to a fan for this one!

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.

Meowchelangelo

Don’t we all.

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.

Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

By far the dumbest thing I’ve made

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets

insomnia: me either

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

saw this in a dream

Perfection.