Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.

The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.

Fine.

We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.

Hey Fugeddaboutit

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.

[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

detective: take him away boys

video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED

YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly