Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN

An Autobiography

Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.

Bad news: I’m not wearing them.

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants

Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.

Canadian up.

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

Botany good plants lately?

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?

Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.

‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas

The pointless tidy up before a play date.

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet