Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
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cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
so much to do
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.