Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
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IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook