someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
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Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Customize Your Wedding.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
me in a relationship:
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
If you know, you know
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.