someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
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“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
you’re not fooling anyone
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Body by sandwich.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs