Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

“TGIM!” – My liver

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.

Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol

Benihana Chef: ha ha

Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much

Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

Real House Wines.

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.