someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
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Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
*door in my house opens on its own*
me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure
the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]