Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up

chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord

me: I just want some nuggets man

cfa employee: I Would Die For You

A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.

My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?

Home is where your toilet is.

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!

We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot

People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.