Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

Auto correct is my worst enema.

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it

so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?

Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.

Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”

Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks

Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times

I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”

Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

The Friday File.

[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.