Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
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Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*