Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
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[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water