Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.

Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

Why is no one talking about this?!

Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!

Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?

TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today

Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”

To me, being Single means never having to apologize..

Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]