Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera!

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt

Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.