Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

This classic never gets old . . .

News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”

They have hover bears?

jealous again

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

These are too funny not to post 😂

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

(Creating Atheists)

God: Make some humans Sciencey

Angel: Will they believe in you?

God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

🤣🤣

Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!

However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

Random dm guy: What are you wearing?

Me: A scathing look of disdain

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.