Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
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that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
May never get over this
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.