Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Someone just called me nice and I’ve never felt so misunderstood.
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I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
The main reason Santa is so jovial is cuz he knows where all the bad girls live.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Midrand traffic is caused by married men who don’t want to go home after work..
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.