@MsSkarsgaard

Someone just called me nice and I’ve never felt so misunderstood.

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@TheNYAMProject

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-

Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8

@AimeeHelene1

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

@AsYouNotWish

The main reason Santa is so jovial is cuz he knows where all the bad girls live.

@martyntanton

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

@Darlainky

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

@slimmy_shady

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

@JessObsess

My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.

@SthembileSimel5

Midrand traffic is caused by married men who don’t want to go home after work..

@BunAndLeggings

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles