Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
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sometimes we need to be reminded
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
CRYING
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Ok but actually
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it