Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

Skywritten letters:

SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR

[intensive care]

NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said

One hundred and fat

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.

my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now