Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!

In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.

At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

I could NOT have put it better myself.

I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

Oh, you like Thanksgiving?

Name 3 pilgrims.

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.

Who knew.

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