Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
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Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound