Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
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[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.