someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
