someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
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I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
mariah carrie
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.