someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
