Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

#MeanwhileInCanada

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?

Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

nyc:

I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.

[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.