Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
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My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Lmaoo 😂
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it