Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
weird
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The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back