Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.

The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

[peeing behind a tree]

bonsai artist: I have restrooms

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.

ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.

It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal. 

[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.

I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”

My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

After you read 5 tweets about fires, Twitter just gives you a certificate and a fire hose 😆