Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
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Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
due date
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Always 🥴
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny