Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
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“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
So we got a goldfish…
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it