@Jake_Vig

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.

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@nayele18maybe

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

@Mikel_Jollett

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

@chuuew

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

@CulturedRuffian

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

@Holy_Mowgli

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

@FrazzleMyGimp

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

@Rollinintheseat

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

@michaelianblack

Got to admire these NFL players who are so committed to their jobs of beating the shit out of people that they do it even in their off time.

@Talkbackatme

I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.

@dmc1138

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.