@Jake_Vig

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.

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@FrauFickenDammt

You’d think with all the hiking Dora the Explorer does, she’d be thinner.

@MarfSalvador

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

@tastefactory

GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win

@GrantTanaka

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

@HomeWithPeanut

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

@Cheeseboy22

My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

@kristynhearts

Do you think maybe humans are gonna evolve with longer arms for selfie purposes?

@Book_Krazy

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*