Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
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Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary