Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
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Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here