Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids

Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

I don’t have time to get to know you

Be cool immediately

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone

SERVER: you’re a DOG

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

[in the driveway]

It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?

Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas

Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame

CEO: I like it

What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?

Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do

my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me

I support this random dude and all his protests

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.

I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.